remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Girls should come with a carfax report
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
