So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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