He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
