i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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