i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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