We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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