i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
