Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
