Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
