I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
did you just send me my own nude
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
