just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
