I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I supernannyed him into submission
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
