so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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