My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
