I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
