ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
