So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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