My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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