my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
