I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
