You can't special order awesome
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
