Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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