Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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