you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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