was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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