so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
