Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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