He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
