I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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