Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
