You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize