i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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