remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So much rum. So many feels.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
