Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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