Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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