Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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