Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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