My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
