i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize