she woke up with a sticky ear
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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