Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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