so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
