Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize