Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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