I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
