That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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