So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
