My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
