you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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