even my farts smell like vagina
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
