I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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