I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you didnt know i had herpes?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
