What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
