Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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