I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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