i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
sarcasm needs its own font
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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