the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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