Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize