I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
