You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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