She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
