come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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