Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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