Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
