She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
